Global Domination

Fangorn: Mysterious land

10/08/11  ||  cadenz

When fairies rule the world and the Indy 500 is replaced by annual unicorn races, the highest measure of merriment is going to Teh Duels of Mortal Combat: wannabe-medieval knights in foam armor carrying plastic weapons tickle each others’ arseholes and laugh merrily, while minstrels tap dance on their rock-hard buttocks and swing their rainbow-colored dildos in unison. All this has to be accompanied by a soundtrack of equal uselessness and softened-up wannabe attitude. Hark! Russian folk metal group Fangorn to the rescue! Debut album “Mysterious Land” has been completed in a most timely fashion, to be unveiled on this most merry occasion! And there was much rejoicing: “Wheey……”

Seriously, synth sounds that even the early 80’s would have cringed at? Dorky, stompy riffs that attempt at grandeur but fail utter-fucken-miserably? Samples of sword battling? Croaky snarls that sound as out of place as Hitler in The Jackson 5? Accordion melodies ripped off from Finntroll, but executed with half the professionalism? “Clean” vocals that sound as majestic as the giant turd I flushed down this morning? Obviously, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes and fucken yes.

You know what? No. No, no, no, no and fucken no.

2,5/10: If you ever want to feel more manly and masculine, put on this record. You’ll definitely feel like you’ve found the company in which you’ll always be the alpha male.

After going thru that crap, you most likely wanna read something way more interesting. You do, admit it.

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